Coaching versus Telling

We live in a society that is embracing a much more empowering modality of influence. The challenge is that while we are encouraged to get alongside our children and "COACH" them, we the parents were often raised with a "TELLING" parent not a coach. The whole concept of coaching doesn't necessarily come naturally to the 40-50 year old parent; but the effort is definitely worth it.

Your children will enjoy your help when it is delivered in a coaching framework, especially when you explain why it is more important that you help them this way. If they want you to make a difficult decision for them, get alongside them and coach them through the difficult decision.

Humans have a fundamental need for autonomy and control over their lives. When someone is told what to do without their input or choice, it can trigger feelings of powerlessness or a loss of control, leading to resistance or defensiveness.

Here are 6 reasons why telling isn't the best solution for parenting.

1. Individual Differences: People have unique perspectives, experiences, and preferences. Advice or directives that don't align with their values or goals can be met with resistance because it feels incongruent with their identity.

2. Perceived Threat: Unsolicited advice or directives can sometimes be perceived as criticism or judgment, leading to feelings of defensiveness or insecurity.

3. Timing and Delivery: The manner in which advice is given matters. Unsolicited advice delivered in a patronising or condescending tone can be especially off-putting.

4. Problem-Solving Preference: Some individuals prefer to solve problems and make decisions independently. They may resist external advice because they value their own judgment or enjoy the challenge of figuring things out on their own.

5. Cognitive Dissonance: People may experience cognitive dissonance when they are told something that contradicts their existing beliefs or behaviors. This discomfort can lead to resistance as they try to maintain consistency in their thinking and actions.

6. Emotional State: A person's emotional state can also impact how they receive advice. When someone is stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, they may be less receptive to advice, even if it's well-intentioned.

To improve the receptivity to advice or suggestions, it's essential to approach the conversation with empathy, respect, and active listening. Instead of telling someone what they should do, consider engaging in a dialogue, asking open-ended questions, and showing a genuine interest in their perspective. This collaborative approach can empower individuals to make informed decisions while preserving their autonomy and minimising negative reactions.

If you would like to find out more about using coaching as a parenting style please feel free to reach out to us.

Marina Shearer

BSc.psychology, Diploma Professional Coaching, Master Trainer

Marina is the Director of Thrive For Life and also a coach, professional development expert, and facilitator who specialises in helping people develop themselves so they can be the best version of themselves and conduct their personal and professional lives more effectively.